Thursday, May 7, 2009

Save the Vampire - Have all the Vampires gone Batty?

Save the Vampire!
Or (Have Vampire movies gone batty)

Somebody help me out here. When is a Vampire NOT a vampire? I really need to know because after watching the movie Twilight I am really confused and I am probably not alone. Béla Lugosi must be turning over in his grave. I looked up the definition of Vampire and here is what Webster had to say.

That's Bela Lugosi kids aka Dracula.

1: the reanimated body of a dead person believed to come from the grave at night and suck the blood of persons asleep
2 a: one who lives by preying on others b: a woman who exploits and ruins her lover.

The vampires that I watched growing up had strict rules to follow, deviating or breaking the rules would lead to severe consequences or to their demise. They slept in caskets during the day, avoided sunlight, and must be invited in to the potential victims’ home. Their preferred means of travel was to turn themselves into bats and fly. If any of this sounds foreign to you I’m guessing that you are probably still in your teens. But today that’s all changed, apparently its okay to live in a swanky home, roam around freely during the daylight and even hang out with other humans without having one for lunch. Come on people, we have rules to follow. Don’t we?

I have no personal ax to grind against author Stephenie Meyer after all this trend of remaking the Vampire started long before her novel was written. But where does it end? What’s next? And what happens when a Vampire goes into the house of mirrors in the amusement park? I bet that’s really gonna freak out his non suspecting human friends out. Maybe I should start a campaign, a SAVE THE VAMPIRE campaign. Something gotta be done before it’s too late. Come on people I’ve got questions.
Why do Vampires have fully stocked kitchens with pots and pans if they don’t eat and how is drinking the blood of animals the same as human blood? Is that like switching from regular milk to soy milk? SAVE THE VAMPIRE! How can we tell the good ones from the bad? And how do they get the money to buy all of those nice clothes?

It’s time that we put the old Vampire handbook back in print so we can put these guys back inside the old dark, dank, and dreary crypts where they belong. Look at it this way guys we are in a recession and if things keep going the way they are these new wave Vampires may be forced to put up a roadside stand and sell garlic just to make ends meet.

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  1. I have no problem with a reinvention of vampires, or any fantasy creature, providing that once the rules are established within the story they are followed. In that way Twilight is actually more consistent then buffy the vampire slayer ever was. They tell us specifically in the show that vampires have no breath and then spike comes in and smokes in every other scene (how is he lighting that cigarette and puffing that smoke around?). On the other hand, Twilight's vampires were consistent in their rules. Admittedly, I didn't particularly like the idea of vampires injecting venom and the lack of fangs is slightly perturbing, but it is her vision and se sticks to it solidly throughout the four books.

    Thanks for the great post.

  2. You do have a point. Even though I haven't read the books my wife will probably get me to watch New Moon.

  3. Re: daylight.

    The town they live in is supposed to be really-really cloudy and rainy all the time; thus blocking the sun and allowing them to roam during the day. (but my understanding is that the UV rays the sun emits go through clouds to some degree, so prettyboy should be getting a little crispy in the waking hours...